What's in a name

Brett and I had the twin's names picked out very early on.  We had two boys names, two girls names and then our first pick of each.  We did not find out what we were having, so the day of the birth was a complete surprise.  We both wanted names that held a special meaning to both of us.  Maxwell will have a lot to live up to with his name.  Maxwell was the name of Brett's grandfather.  Brett was very close to him and he held a special place in both of our hearts.  Joshua was my brothers first name.  My brother passed away 22 years ago and I have always wanted my first born son to carry on his name.  The name Addilynn was thought of by Brett.  I have always loved the name Abigail and call her Abby, but Brett didn't really like it.  I remembered that Brett had a great grandma Addi and it was a name that we both liked, and it was also a family name.  Now, I didn't want her name to be just Addi, so Brett came up with Addilynn.  Addi's middle name is Grace which was my Grandmothers first name.  At the time of her passing, I was her only granddaughter and she gave me her wedding ring that I now wear today.

Getting up to Speed

So, many of you know that the invetro that we did last January/February worked.  I found out on 2/15/13 that I was pregnant, shortly after that I found out we were having twins! We were both super excited about this.  I had a super easy pregnancy.  I felt good up until the end.

The birth story 9/20/13:
On Wednesday 9/18/13 I had my normal weekly check up with my OB/GYN.  Everything checked out ok, except my blood pressure, it was 120/90.  Some may think that this isn't too bad, but for myself, this is extremely high.  Throughout my pregnancy I had always been on the lower side.  My doctor didn't seem too concerned with these numbers and sent me home with a "I'll see ya next week here in the office for another check."  I went home feeling tired, but normal.  On Thursday evening, I wasn't feeling that great, I thought my stomach was upset from something I ate.  I slept ok that night. On Friday 9/20, I woke up feeling awful.  My stomach was killing me and I was extremely tired.  I went to work and asked one of my coworkers if she could take my blood pressure.  I thought this could be the source of the problem.  It was 140/100.  One of our cardiologist happen to be sitting next to me and heard the result.  He suggested I sit for a couple of minutes and then get another reading.  After sitting for five minutes, the BP came down to a whooping 138/98.  I asked if I should call the doctor and we decided to monitor it throughout the morning.  I worked for a couple of hours and we did another check, it was 147/100, it was time to call the doctor.  I made the call and they sent me to the hospital.
For those of you that don't know, my work place is connected to the hospital, so I made a phone call to Brett to let him know that I was going to the hospital and that he should probably meet me there.  One of my coworkers got a wheel chair and wheeled me over to the hospital and also waited with me till Brett got there. At 10:39am I was hooked up to the monitors which showed I was having some mild contractions.   I also had lab work drawn, when the doctor was able to take a look at the results, she didn't like what she saw.  I was on my way to preeclampsia.  The doctor decided it was best to have the babies that day.
Now, Brett and I already had a c-section scheduled for October 4, so I was not heart broken that I was going to have a csection that day.  I never had it in my head that I was going to have a natural birth.  We had an estimated time of about 4:00pm that I would go back and have these babies.  I was both excited and nervous for obvious reasons. I went back to the OR, sat on the table and was getting ready for the spinal tap, to find out that the doctor had to deliver another baby first.  I thought no big deal, we went back to the room I started in and waited, and waited, and waited, at about 7:00pm, it was finally our turn.  At 7:57pm Addilynn Grace was born and 7:58pm Maxwell Joshua was born!

Moving Forward

I spoke with Dr Jarrett's office earlier this week and a plan is now in place.  In the next few months we will begin the invetro process.  We are super excited/nervous to be doing this again.  We will be changing up a couple of medications this time around, as Dr Jarrett learned a few things from the last time.  The new process will require less shots, yeah! And I plan on taking additional time off for bed rest after the transfer. I don't want to do anything that will risk our eggs from not implanting.  I will also be doing acupuncture before hand, to help with the flow of things and to help with the stress.   Once again, all of our funding has fallen into place, which was a huge burden lifted.  This time around we have a better understanding of all that will take place, which help the nerves, but every night we pray that God will grant us a different outcome.

Being Thankful

I cannot express how excited I am for Thanksgiving.  The food is not what I'm excited about, its seeing my family again.  Holland will always be home to me and I'm a little homesick.  When we're home, we hope to soak in as much family and friend time as allowed. 

Thanksgiving is also a time to reflect on everything we are grateful for.  Sometimes I feel we are surrounded by so much negativity and this is a great time to think about all the wonderful things life has.  These are my "Thanksgivings" (in no particular order :))

*Family! Don't know where I would be without them.  My parents, Brett's parents, our sisters, my brother, my brother and sister in law, my Grandma, Brett's Grandpa, our Aunts and Uncles and all our cousins.  Your love and support mean the world to us!

*Friends:Young and old :) I am very grateful for our friends.  All of your support has been awesome! Thank you!

*Breslin: I don't think I know of any other dog with so much personality.  She brings so much joy into our lives.

*The Edwardsburg Eddies! Brett's job.  Even though this job moved us to South Bend, I'm grateful that Brett is in a place he loves.  He is doing what he loves and seems to be smiling more then not :)

*Dr Jarrett: Because its football season, I will give  you some of Dr Jarrett's stats.  He is the number 1 fertility specialist in the state of Indiana and ranked number 13 in the nation! I am so grateful to be in such great hands. 

*My Coworkers: I thank them for their love and support.  I thank them for covering me.  They have been completely understanding when I give short notices that I have to go to Indy or when I have to leave the office for 45 minutes for a doctor appt and blood work.  You girls are the best!

*Holland: The place I call home.

*MSU!! Even though they haven't given us a whole lot to Cheer about this season, I'm still grateful for them.  Nothing excites me more then being on campus and seeing the school spirit.  Some of our greatest memories are on MSU campus :)  I love going to any sport event and getting all my Spartan gear on.  GO GREEN!!

*Music: For those of you that know me well, know that I love to sing.  I love all types of music, from Christian to Eminem.  From Country to Broadway.  I love how it effects my emotions.  I can remember song lyrics better than remembering what I did yesterday.  I may not be the best singer out there, but I love it!

***and most importantly I'm thankful for, Brett: His constant love and encouragement are everything to me.  We have been through some tough times, but we have so many more fun times.  I cherish our car rides when we talk, laugh and even sing together. 

Trying Again

I had my appt with Dr Jarrett last week Friday.  He wasn't happy with the outcome, but was very happy with everything else.  He said that my numbers looked great and my egg count was awesome. He did confirm that I was pregnant and as to why the eggs didn't implant is obviously out of our control.  He said with great confidence that the IVF will work, if it was something that we wanted to try again.  Brett and I talked about and decided to give it one more chance.  Once we figure out how to fill our bank account again, we will go for it.  If I have learned anything through this process it is to never give up on something you think about every day.  I have to tell myself, "It will happen, one way or another, It will happen."

Thank You

 

I obviously have no idea who these are from, but I wanted to say Thank You! It means so much to me and Brett that we have so many people thinking and praying for us.  Thank You!

An End To My Silence

I'm still not ready to talk about it because its so fresh, but I can write or text.  If I see my phone ring, I cry.  I didn't want this blog to be so depressing, I was hoping that my silence would lead to a happy ending, but the journey continues.  Let me get you up to speed........

This is the very short and quick version.  Back in August Dr Jarrett called me himself and said that Brett's numbers didn't look good.  This was after the unsuccessful IUI.  He said because of this, our next step was IVF.  We were able to get the loan that we had originally applied for, and I started the medications for the IVF on 8-21-12 (our 8 year anniversary) and had ultrasounds at the beginning of September.  On 9-11-12 we had our egg retrieval.  I had 17 eggs, 12 of which were combined with the sperm and 8 of those fertilized! We were so excited! These are great numbers.  On 9-16-12 we went back down to Indy for embryo transfer.  They transferred two eggs and sent us home.  I was on strict bed rest for all of Sunday and Monday. On Monday, I got a phone call that the 6 embyos that we didnt use, were not developing and they were not able to freeze them like we had planned.  I had blood work on Wednesday 9-26-12, I needed my numbers to be higher than 50.  If the quantitative beta numbers are higher then 50, then we were pregnant.  My numbers came back at 59! This was great news! I was on such I high.  I had been waiting 5 years for those magical words "your pregnant".  I had to do blood work again on Friday 9-28-12 and make sure that those numbers were going up.  They should double within the next 48 hours after the fist draw.  I went to give blood on Friday with complete confidence.  I waited for my phone call back from Dr Jarrett's office with patience and ease.  I got my phone call......and my numbers dropped.  My beta numbers were at 48.  Not what I expected to hear.  I cried.  (I have to call Dr Jarrett's office back because I was given instructions and I didn't comprehend a word the nurse was telling me).  

I'm having a hard time understanding.  How can I be told I'm pregnant and two days later, I'm not.  I don't blame myself.  I know I did everything I could to protect my embryos.  I prayed so hard for them to attach but, it wasn't in the cards this time.  Although, I know it will be really hard to talk to Dr Jarrett, I'm anxious to hear what he has to say.  I want to know if there is an explanation for this, and what our next step will be.  I'm ready to keep moving.  Brett and I were meant to be parents. 

I am trying to stay hopeful, but Its tough.  At times I feel like my world has stopped, and I look around and everyone elses is still moving.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be ok, and then the phone rings and I'm a mess again.  As I know that this will take time, I want to be ok right now.  I'm sick of running into a wall, the same wall, time and time again.  Will it ever end!? 

A Little Bragging

School is almost back in session and I hate this time of year.  I have never really liked school and I feel for all those kids that have the same feeling.  I know that Brett is looking forward to having some structure in his day, but I will have to admit, I love having Brett home for the summer.  There is something about coming home and seeing him after work.  Maybe I have realized that when school is back in session, our lives get busier.  Not only does school start again, but so does soccer, and after school meetings, and parent teacher conferences and IEP's and the list goes on.  We just don't see each other as much.  

But the reason for all of this is because Brett is an incredible teacher, soccer coach and husband.  He puts his heart and sole into everything he does.  He takes what he does seriously, but has fun doing it too.   He is one amazing man and I feel that he doesn't get all the credit that he deserves.  So, with that, I will brag him up a little bit :)

This year he decided his classroom theme at the elementary school is transportation.  Brett chose to make all of his bulletin boards. 

This first one is "Blasting off to Math Stars" each kid will get a space ship with his or her name on it and as they achieve a goal, they will get to move their space ship through the stars.

Next is the "Writing Station"

These next two are reading goals.  The first one, the kids will get a plane that will "fly" across the room as they meet their individual goal and the other will have hot air balloons that will "float" up as they meet their goals. 

 

I am so incredibly proud of my husband.  He worked so hard on these.  Coming up with the idea and executing them with gusto.  He wanted to keep the kids involved in keeping of the data and also giving the kids a visual of exactly where they are at.  I couldn't be prouder of my husband.  Thank you for allowing me to brag about him for a little bit :) Good luck to all you teachers out there.  I hope you have a wonderful school year!

 

Good State of MInd

I've come a long way since the last post.  I apologize that it has taken me so long to write again.  It has taken me about this long to get to where I am now.   It took a few weeks for me to get out of the "poor me" and to become positive about life again.  I will never understand why Brett and I have been chosen to go through this, but these are the cards we were dealt and we are playing the best way we know how.  I have been able to be happy again.  I've been able to smile more and appreciate our little "family" as is.  If it weren't for Brett and Breslin, I honestly don't know where I would be. 

I want to say I'm Sorry for all the people who have gone through infertility or are going through it right now.  This isn't something that I would wish upon anyone.  I'm sorry because as I was going through the "poor me" and thinking "I was the only one", there are many of you who are fighting the same battle, or have been through it.  I want everyone to know that I am also there for you as you are for me.  Prayers go up for you each and every day! And as I think about my own battle, your war comes to my mind as well. 
             "And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is over.  But one thing is certain.  When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in" ~Anonymous (If anyone needs anything, please know that I am here)

We are super excited about the future.  New plans are in place.  With our hiking sticks in hand, we are moving forward.